Louisville.com is risking their respectability

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Despite this blog coming up as the top search result if you Google my name, Louisville.com is still welcoming me to their family. I have the St. Matthews beat as well as occasional free reign to let people know about random coolness about town.Check out my interview with the eponymous Lonnie of Lonnie’s Best Taste of Chicago.  If you really can’t get enough of my ramblings, check me out over on Louisville.com. I should be posting around 3 times a week.

Tags: Louisville.com

First Contact: Emergency Hookup, Stat!

This is what I get for being clever. Why tell guys you’re a science fiction fan with a quirky sense of humor when you can demonstrate, right? Here’s a copy of my personal ad over at Plenty of Fish.

Tonight, while I sip wine from a teacup in my Frankfort Avenue lair and watch my Roomba taunt the neighbor’s cat, a plan is quietly hatching. Louisville will wake up tomorrow completely unsuspecting. But you, sir, have a unique opportunity to learn why I need to freeze 80 gallons of jello, inflate a bouncy castle, and dress like a pirate. Reply with your plans for world domination, your ideal lair, or what you’re looking for in a partner in crime. Good grammar and correct punctuation go a long way towards hearing back from me, for lo, I will judge you. A mere “hi” is nowhere near nefarious enough.

If I like what I see, we can meet incognito to discuss future plans and work on our maniacal laughs.

While there is a certain underworld obsession with spelunking in abandoned sewer tunnels, I prefer first meeting in a public setting where we can each sip a glass of wine while pretending the adjoining tables aren’t full of our respectively antsy minions. They’re adorable when they have to leave the safety on.

Casual conversation about our respective plans for world domination, the defeat of a past nemesis, and bizarre affectations are always welcome. Don’t bring your carefully shaved cat. While atmospheric, it tends to put the waiters on high alert. I’ll leave my colony of robotic ants at home as well.

Nowhere in this do I mention “I will die in the next 12 hours if I’m not fucked senseless by a total stranger. Save me now!”  Somehow, though, a stunning number of men confuse “…meet in a public place where we can each sip a glass of wine…” with “…rent a hotel room today and bang me over my lunch hour.” Most of them include phone numbers.

Maybe they’re confused by me referencing a carefully shaved cat. I thought I was mocking Austin Powers, but they probably think it’s code for a different kind of pussy.

Behold the classy men you too could spend quality time with if you act now!

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Hi sexy, looks like we r looking for the same thing. I was thinking about u n I get a room this afternoon n making out real good… I love lots of kisses, rub your body n sexy kinky stuff. I’m married 30 d/d free clean n u must be too. NSA please not looking for more then 1 time thing. I’ll not pay for sex but I’ll guaranty u a good fuck :). [number removed]

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I love what you said.  I guess you could say I am slumming on here.  What you put on there caught my eye.  I have never done this before, so i really don’t know what to do from here.  It has to be NSA, b/c I am married, for a # of years.  I have too much too lose at this point.  But in saying all that, I am bored.  I have been begging for something fun for a long time.  Same ol same ol makes Jack a very dull boy. Let’s meet for lunch today then have fun for dessert.

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I bet your into kink huh? Sure……… I can do that.

You into that electroshock shit or what? Let me know……Hit me before 4 [number removed]……….I can make you scream after work.

__________

can stimulate your desires. call me [number removed] before 11. i have a 45 minit lunch

Tags: dating, first contact

The tooth - remember the tooth!

Saturday night I decided to bravely attempt solid foods other than plain white rice or saltine crackers. I was bold. I was daring. I was going to eat a brownie.

Mind you, I was supposed to be eating delicious BBQ before hitting the Mag Bar for a birthday party, but after being laid up for a week with stomach flu, I decided my best possible gift to the birthday boy would be not throwing up in his lap. I’m considerate like that.

Since I was bummed about missing out on the party, a friend who plans on replacing his carpet anyway invited me to come over for a low-key night of Cranium. What the heck. Worst case scenario, he’d have a great story for the contractors when they asked what the hell caused that carpet stain.

Somewhere between sculpting unnecessary purple camels and guessing every possible word for bipedal motion other than walking, I gave into the sugary sweet siren song of the chocolate. Oh, it was good. It was soft. It was chocolaty. It was…apparently full of rocks?

I was all set to give the baker shit about picking out a brownie mix fortified with vitamins, minerals and gravel when I triumphantly spat out half a molar.

Damnit. Not again.

Read more…

Tags: Autobiography

Sorry about the cognitive dissonance

Ahem.

Yes. You have an excellent point. No one should read the word “cock” on the same screen with newborn photos of my goddaughter - not even in reference to a male chicken. To make things right in the world, I’ve uploaded a new Flickr album full of mildly debauched photos taken at a delightfully epic 30th Birthday Masquerade earlier this month. I promise the next time I post adorable photos of babies I’ll promptly push them down the queue with suitable photos of rowdy adults. Now I just need volunteers for grown up photo shoots. After all, Auntie visits her adorable girls at least once a week. We mustn’t let word slip out I have a respectable side!

22 First Dates: The Wedding Crasher

I gnawed on my swizzle stick, honestly wondering how it was possible for any man to be this boring.

“…which is why I never hooked my X-Box up to the internet. Games are hard enough without other people talking in my ear, distracting me…”

Surely, hidden somewhere deep down, he had a crazy side just waiting to get out.

“…lived here all my life. Went to Xavier for high school, then U of L. I keep meaning to visit other places, but the furthest I’ve been is Cincinnati…”

C’mon, surely you have an ambition? A quirky hobby? Interesting friends?

“…spend most of my Saturday nights at home. Nothing much going on…”

It wasn’t even my swizzle stick. I found it abandoned on the table and gnawed it to a rubbery mass as I tried to feign interest. I hadn’t even had a chance to buy myself a cup of tea before he started into the boring monotony that was his dull life.

“…don’t like going to movies alone, so I wait to rent them…”

He wasn’t anything like what I expected. His online correspondence had been sparkling and funny. His profile was well written and certainly implied a life outside videogames.

“…never liked reading…”

That was the last straw. His hour was up. I’d been counting down for the last 55 minutes. Surely there was a girl in Louisville who coveted a bowling ball shaped homebody who would be quiet, stable, and never seek a life outside the pair of them, but I wasn’t her. I politely shook his hand without bothering to make any pretenses that we’d ever see one another again.

Which is why I was completely shocked to run into him a few months later at a friend’s wedding. The couple are amazing, energetic people with an infectious passion for life. I didn’t know he was friends with them, but because I’m the kind of sappy romantic who honestly loves weddings, I was thrilled to see he had a date on his arm. See - there really IS someone for everyone! This was going to be a fantastic night.

I didn’t see him again after bumping into one another at the door, but after the cake cutting, I saw his date sitting alone at a table. I sat down and asked her how things were going. She looked terribly nervous.

“I don’t know anyone here.”

“Hasn’t your date introduced you around?” I asked.

She looked like a deer in headlights. “He left.”

“Excuse me?”

“I thought he went to the bathroom, but his car is gone. I don’t know anyone here and I don’t know how I’m getting home.”

“I’m so sorry.” I was boggled. “Er…how long have you been going out?”

“This was our first date.”

That’s right, this classy gent brought a woman he’d never met in person to a wedding then abandoned her there.

I asked around looking for any friends of his who might be willing to offer her a ride home. No one I talked to had a clue who the guy was. It turned out he not only left his date rideless in an unfamiliar part of town, but he’d also crashed a stranger’s wedding. Having met him once, I never would’ve thought he had it in him.

I’ve been on some doozys, but even I decree this poor lady wins a prize for Worst Internet First Date Ever.

Tags: 22 First Dates, dating

First Contact: When in doubt, try insults

All I can say is that you people in louisville can’t drive when you get a little bit of snow on the ground.  Im from northern Ill. Its second naeture to us. Your stupid. I was rather intrigued by your profile so I thought I might as well give it a shot.  Is 38 too old?

Now, I get oodles of emails accusing me of being a bot, uncountable photos of strange penises, and occasional nutjob anti-zionist rants, but the completely random insults baffle me the most.

Guys, this is your one shining chance to make a good first impression. I know you’re pissed about the traffic or the bots or the fact that women never write back to your replies, but please, before you hit send, read your little missive aloud. Would YOU write back to that?

Tags: dating, first contact

Sick days don’t make me clever

First, thank you to all three of my loyal fans who want to know why the heck I haven’t posted any new 22 First Dates in over a week. I tried. Honest. Alas, any bit of humor that might be left in my body has been digested and repurposed by my viral overlords.

I’m not one of those clever bloggers who whips out my funniest material when my intestines are in open rebellion. Hell, I haven’t even left my apartment since Monday. In the writing world, that should mean I’ve cranked out record amounts of thoughtful, well edited material in between watching DVD’s of “Rome.” In reality, my exciting afternoon consisted of spending an entire hour forcing myself to drink a small glass of Gatoraide with “Man vs Food” streaming in the background as inspiration before collapsing back into bed from the strain. I then gave up on eating for another day.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to remind myself it’s not such a bad thing I can’t stomach solid foods. After all, I love so many kinds of paste; hummus, dal, mashed potatoes, everything on Cafe Lou Lou’s Meze Platter. If only they delivered.

Progressive Dining Coming This Spring

Ah, food. One look and you can tell I love it so. I make no pretensions that I have a slow metabolism or a thyroid condition or am just big boned. I carry extra pounds because I like to eat.

It’s worth it.

I didn’t put on my extra weight at fast food joints. It comes from places like Havana Rumba, Shalimar, Queen of Sheeba, Shiraz, Cafe Lou Lou - places with damn good, mouthwatering food.

Therefore, it’s no surprise I’m in the process of putting together monthly progressive dining events starting this spring. In 3 hours you’ll visit 3 restaurants where you’ll sample 3 different entrees. I want to keep it affordable - so we’re looking at a flat $50/person rate for a 9 course meal.

I’ll be rotating these things around different eating districts. One month, the Highlands, another Frankfort Avenue, St. Matthews, and even the Indiana side of the river. That’s right - there are some darn good restaurants over there. I promise sea monsters won’t eat you when you cross the bridge out of Kentucky.

I’m really psyched. This is going to be a lot of fun - plus a darn good way to get people to try the joint next door to their favorite restaurant. You know the people I’m talking about. “Ooh, I want to try that some time, but whenever I’m out here I always go to My Old Favorite Place.” You’ll get the best of both worlds - a stop into an old favorite and a chance to sample a new place.

Drop me a line if you’re interested in getting involved. All my restaurants are local to Louisville, as are my advertisers and sponsors. I want to keep the money in the community as well as promote our great independent restaurants. (If you’ve been to the culinary wasteland that is Cincinnati, you know what I mean.) The Community Farm Alliance and an assortment of Farmers Markets exist to help you shop for local groceries. This is my way of keeping the culinary love local when eating out. It’ll be nomtastic!

Tags: food, Palmyran Rebels, progressive dining

Why Speed Dating and Hipsters Don’t Mix

I know what you’re thinking. “Who cares about how you make a living, woman! I want more horror stories from the dating world.”

How about Eye Gazing Parties?

More on that in a second. Bear with me. I’m pretty excited right now. I secured a fantastic location for good old fashioned spring speed dating. In May, we’ll be taking over the gorgeous outdoor patio area of 60 West Bistro for Second Monday Speed Dating. Yes, I am a big fan of alliteration. I also like Palmyran Rebels Progressive Dining. It has a nice ring to it.

Anyway, my goal as a speed dating host is to help people avoid the kind of first dates you read about in my blog. You get five minutes to make a good first impression. That’s it. No staring at your watch over coffee. No slipping to the bathroom to frantically text a friend she needs to show up and rescue you from this crazy date. Heck, if you really don’t like the other person, you don’t even have to say so to their face - you’ll have a confidential form where you can check yes, no, or maybe and personal information will only be exchanged if you both like one another.

Ah, but old fashioned, “let’s learn what we we have in common” speed dating is apparently so 2008! In the coastal hipster communities of New York and San Francisco singles can attend Eye Gazing Parties. That’s right. Three minutes of silently staring into a strangers eyes.

NO TALKING! You might learn something about the person you’re gazing at!

I’m going to make a bold and controversial statement here: staring into people’s eyes is creepy. Yes, I said it! The only time total strangers stare intently into my eyes mentally ill homeless people are involved. As adults, we’ve learned how to deflect that kind of attention for fear of muggings, unwanted marriage proposals, and lice. A guy who attended one of these parties freely admits it makes everyone involved uncomfortable. Sure, it’s an interesting social experiment, but so is painting a life sized Chutes and Ladders board on the side of a hill with slip n’ slides and flat ladders. (Spring is coming, folks. If you’re not a member of the Go Go Guerrilla Army, you’re missing out.) Which would you rather try?

Tags: dating

First Contact: Bot Baiting

I’ve been scrolling through responses to my own personal ads in preparation for tomorrow’s Dating Profile Perk-Up. In addition to general advice, I want to give these guys specific examples of What Not To Do.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the Bot Accusation. Gentlemen, I KNOW you hear from a frightful number of bots and it’s disturbing just how badly those robots want to sex you up and suck you off, but if you’re optimistic enough to reply to an ad in the first place, why not stay positive and assume the lady is a real flesh and blood person. Nobody likes it when your first impression is that they’re a lifeless automoton designed to milk you of your money. Take a chance. Leave that part out.

Hello, your ad interests me. Trust me, I am a better than average wordsmith; but I am over 50–too old??? I live in Louisville & I’d like to meet you. response gets my pic. Not into wasting time typing about myself until you reply to confirm you are a real person. Hope you understand.

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Hi. I was just browsing thru and noticed your profile you had up while I was at work. I am very interested in possibly meeting you, hopefully tonight. I wanted to send this first to make sure that its an actual person and not some retarded bot or something. If you are an actual person then make sure to contact me back and we can definately do this thing! Please contact me back at [e-mail address removed] before I leave work today. I get off at 5 p.m. Then hoepfully we can make arrangements for later. Look forward to hearing from you! If you’re real.

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I have some free time. I would love to treat you to a meal. Please prove you are real. I hate bots.

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Any interest in going to skiing at Perfect North (near Cincinnati) ?? I’m nice/nice looking, fit, professional type, 40’s. My typing is really slow, so I’ll wait to see of you are real before going further.

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I’ve just seen your add on site. I was really impressed!!!
Seems we have lots to discuss))
I 30y.o. and I’m from Louisville.If you want to meet me (may be even in reality)
please write more about you and, of course, send lots more pics!!!
There are so much fake ads on web, so i can’t send my pics first (but I really want!).
Waiting for your reply. Kissing you, darling))

Tags: dating, first contact