Blog

60 Weeks in Austin, Week 3: wherein my faith in a federal institution is horribly shattered

December 1, 2011
By
Mail Theft

I call shenanigans. This week, some strangers employed a crowbar to commit a federal offense at my expense. That’s right – the bastards broke into the central mail station for my apartment complex and looted all the boxes. They got my paycheck, a dalek shaped towel my friend Anne sent to decorate my Doctor Who themed bathroom, and a stack of bills I suspect they won’t pay. People who’ve known me for awhile may recall that I’m so hipster I had my identity stolen before we had a name for the phenomenon. The 1990’s were a dark time when...

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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 1, wherein an 870 mile drive ends in me nearly plummeting to my death

November 6, 2011
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Highway Overpass at Dusk Austin, Texas, USA

“Worst case scenario you can sell the whole thing for scrap metal,” said Anne. We stood on the side of an unfamiliar highway, rocked by the force of cars speeding past at 75 miles an hour, staring at the wreck of a car dolly. It dutifully towed my Toyota 870 miles from St. Louis to Austin without a single issue. Minutes earlier, the movers who unloaded all my worldly goods into an apartment hitched the car dolly back to the truck and sent me on my way. I naively obeyed my GPS when it said to drive my 24...

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Sneezing on Sarah Connor

October 4, 2011
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The future face of robot "compassion."

I know how the world will end. I’ve spent today not quite throwing up saltines, though the bastards waged a mighty battle to claw their way out of my esophagus. I haven’t dressed. I haven’t showered. The few lucid moments I haven’t spent dry heaving have been in front of my computer, feverishly attempting to work. Resting on the cool tiles of my bathroom floor left me with altogether too much time to think about our horribly flawed bodies. I’ve reached an unpleasant conclusion. We fleshy mortals won’t get along well with people who are uploaded into robot bodies...

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We’ll always have the City Museum

September 20, 2011
By
The view from my living room

Dear St. Louis, I’m sorry, baby, but I’m leaving you for another city. We got into this relationship too fast and for all the wrong reasons. I was on the rebound from Chicago. In comparison, you seemed so stable, so down to earth, so much less likely to stab me fourteen times in my sleep and blame it on the voices inside your camera. That seemed sexy – or at least safe. I didn’t really know you, though. I’ve tried to adapt, sugar, but I’m not your kind of girl. I didn’t go to your high school. I’m a...

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Problems only self employed people have

August 30, 2011
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Workign from Home is both Awesome and Horrible

The lone lightbulb in my windowless bathroom just burned out. I’m out of new bulbs. The obvious solution is to go buy new lightbulbs, set up a couple flashlights in the bathroom, and text a friend before I get started letting her know if she doesn’t hear from me in the next hour she can have all my globes as long as she calls 911. There’s just one catch. I haven’t shaved my legs in three days.  Oh, sure, I’ve showered, but working from home means letting some chores slide. Failing to shave may not sound like a big...

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Hey, where’d my content go?

August 16, 2011
By
Kudos-YouTube

The last few weeks have been pretty exciting here in Chris-Rachael’s Ghetto of Goodness. My big news is a shift in employment. Thanks to a charming startup, I’ve graduated from Freelance Writer to Director of Content. I’m still writing restaurant reviews for Patch and indie city roundups for Metromix, but the bulk of my working hours are now quite literally taken up spreading good in the world. I manage the blog OK Cheers! It’s the kind of upbeat place people can stop by to restore their faith in humanity before taking one more call from a customer they want...

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MicroCenter PC Proves Real Men Don’t Know How to Get Laid

August 3, 2011
By
4919544

I’m the kind of girl who believes in protection. That’s why I shelled out $60 for a shiny new UPS (not the kind in brown shorts. They won’t accept tips to make special deliveries inside my apartment.) When I brought it up to the counter at MicroCenter PC, two guys in their early 20’s abruptly stopped their animated discussion. They glared playful daggers at one another while my cashier tried to sell me an extended warranty on what is essentially a surge suppressor with a battery. I needed to derail him from his script. “You two were pretty passionate...

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Drinking with Don Draper

June 26, 2011
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It’s 1 a.m. on a Saturday and I’m watching reruns of Mad Men in the nude. Because I’m obviously in a party mood, every time Don Draper takes a drink, I do too. This way neither of us has to drink alone. So imagine my reaction when sirens blare and red and blue lights start flashing outside my window. Within seconds, I hear a loud pounding on my front door followed by a short bark of, “Wake up! It’s the police!” Like everyone else in my apartment complex, I stagger to the door and silently peek through the hole....

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Anthony is not in my Weiner collection

June 13, 2011
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This is not Anthony Weiner

It’s a darn shame, because judging by the tightens of those grey boxer briefs, he actually has something worth showing off. Dan Savage has been all over the internet promising that there really are a few women who won’t recoil in disgust at a cockshot. I’d like to add a couple caveats. First, she needs to find the guy genuinely attractive. That can mean a powerful, sexy man. (Hey, if he was single I’d ride Anthony’s Weiner)  a clever, charming nerd (Ditto for Wil Wheaton) or whatever moistens her panties. (Hello, Arthur Darvill.) Waterguns don’t count. Second, you better...

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10 Holiday Presents Guaranteed to Provoke a Breakup

December 24, 2010
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Since I actually do like my work I didn’t bother submitting this. After far too many articles on best holiday presents and favorite holiday foods, this was a pure joy to write. All of these products were marketed as holiday gifts at Walgreens this year. I drew the obvious conclusion. It’s Christmas Eve and you just got another text message from your not-quite-ex-girlfriend. You needed her to keep you company at all those mandatory holiday parties, but now that New Years Eve is only a week away it’s time to cut her loose so you can make out with...

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Fetid End of the Dating Pool

First Contact: Apples and Honey Edition

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It’s time for a special Rosh Hashanah edition of First Contact! Gosh. Who knew the season of atonement and repentance could be so darn...

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