First Contact: Best of Zombies

Reading my blog could give you a rather biased view of the dating pool. To change it up a bit, I thought I’d share some absolutely excellent examples of First Contact emails. These guys can write, are interesting, and clearly paid attention to my profile. I was utterly delighted to hear from every single one of them.

None of them resulted in actual dates due to details like conflicting ideological views, them being married, a twenty year age gap, or a complete lack of common interests outside Zombies. However, I want to make it clear to the world that even if you list very specific requirements, there are people out there who really can fulfill them. I challenged random strangers to send me a well written explanation of how they’d survive the zombie apocalypse, and here’s what I got.

You had me at Zombie Apocalypse.

Ok, terrible way to start off introducing yourself to a woman, but damnit I’m doing it. So I have a friend that is aware of my love for all things Zombie who bought me the Zombie Survival Handbook, must have. Also, in the last apartment that I lived in with this friend and her boyfriend, we had several conversations on “What if scenarios” to deal with Zombie Infestations, that got as detailed as getting in the truck and driving down the ilses (I’m sure I screwed up the spelling on that royally) of the local Kroger “shopping” for supplies.

Ok, sorry about the geek out there, but I hope it was enjoyed. The truly sad thing is, while the last apartment I lived in could have been a fortress. My current one is a death trap with lots of nice big windows on the first floor.

I appreciate the desire for people that can actually talk, or I guess in this case type. I know that people have become so, over saturated?, with texting that its spilled into every form of conversation. Although I still chuckle from time to time when my friend randomly says to do I D K my B F F Jill.

So, I’m sure that’s enough to scare off any truly sane woman, and if you have read this far you must be interested to some extent. So why don’t you tell me more about yourself?

Hi! I saw your post and had to compliment it. It’s ironic that you should mention surviving “the zombie apocalypse”, because it often seems as if most of the posts are written by brain-dead automatons recently resurrected by a voodoo priestess. I generally scan them for their entertainment value and unintentional insights their authors provide of themselves. Often the ads are even better than satires found on The Onion.

But as I said, your post was exceptional. Exceptionally intelligent and intriguing.

Handy thing to remember during the Zombie Apocalypse: insect repellent. I’m not sure if the “plague” can be spread through mosquitoes, but if other blood-borne pathogens like malaria can be, then can the zombie-flu be far behind?

I’m very interested in finding out more about you. Favorite books, films, experiences, perspectives..Before making any presumptions however, here are some things about myself. I’m not sure if I can really present an unbiased view of myself, but I’ll try to keep the self-promotional rhetoric to a minimum. And you’re right, it’s impossible to sum up a person in a short literary brief. I suspect even a text-version of the Human Gnome Project would be inadequate to the task of really describing what a person is.

* Go from 0 to brainy in 3.5 seconds or faster, covering topics ranging from Shakespeare to pop-culture metaphors to alternative music.
* Drug Free (unless coffee and clove cigarettes count)
* I write: I have some plays and screenplays to my credit.
* Artistic to a fault
* Agnostic but open minded, political but cynical of both parties.
* No tattoos, one piercing.
* Deeply dark humor and sense of irony
* Alternative interests in art, entertainment, and life
* Passionate about art and literature and film
* Prefer plays, bookstores, hosting movie nights and parties, and exploring antique malls.

I love exploring films, books, and culture… and having someone to share it with, explore experiences and stories with while wandering odd places, and late-night coffee-driven discussions on pop-culture, meanings, and film and literary metaphors.

I hope you’re as intrigued by my reply as I am by your post. If you are, then I encourage you to reply with any questions you may have, topics you may wish to explore, or even random esoteric questions or stream-of-conscious pop-quiz.

If you decline to respond, then at least be complimented on the refreshing uniqueness of your posting.

Ok let me see if I understand this correctly.You want the replier to have a basic understanding of the english language, be able to throw rocks thru the windows of local restaurant’s, be charming and witty? What else? do you want this person to walk upright, and not carry a club? Good luck!

Ok ok I’ll walk upright but I’m not putting my club away, I need it to protect myself from the zombies.

Some of my interest are snowboarding, reading, actually reading is more of an obsession, and sailing, just to name a few. So far as surviving the zombie apocalypse thats a tough one. I would have to say I’d split the time between sailing the ocean and snowboarding in the mountains. Snowboarding in the mountains is obviously the safer choice, because everybody knows that zombies don’t like the cold.

Now a quick question – do you see yourself as a sheep in wolf’s clothing or a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

First off, kudos for managing to espouse the value of both proper punctuation and spelling (I personally would add overall grammar and syntax) but that’s just me…and also including a zombie reference.

I too have more education than perhaps I need but doesn’t that make both of us infinitely more suited to survive the zombie apocalypse? More on that later…

Might I also caution you from throwing that rock you reference… I doubt you really want to replace the front glass windows of many of great Louisville Original restaurants…

I do concur that punctuation and spelling are indeed sexy; though, I feel that the source of the sexiness is the knowledge that the subject gives a shit enough about grammatical rules and usage to try a little harder than the rank and file simpleton. Since I’m on the sexiness subject…dare I suggest that a woman who can deftly plow through the New York Times crossword puzzle is a serious turn on to me. Sure, it’s dorky but again; it speaks to a certainly intellectual eloquence that moves me…

Enough to my rambling here…

I’ll offer my top 10 tips to surviving the zombie apocalypse:

1. Positive thinking. I don’t necessarily assume that the mindless zombies with their limited physical skills are capable of pulling off an apocalypse. For clarification, are you assuming that the zombies would be the fast-moving type zombies from 28 days or perhaps the slower, more lumbering zombies from Zombieland?

2. To borrow a quote from Zombieland…”Cardio”…I certainly would like to think that my above average level of fitness will serve me well during the undead apocalypse.

3. To shamelessly steal another line from a movie (perhaps you can tell I’m a movie afficionado)…”Guns, lot’s of guns…” Thanks Neo for that one…and props to Trinity for helping him acquire those guns

4. A fuel efficient vehicle. I can only assume that a post-apocalyptic world will suffer from fuel shortages and the availability of gas would be limited…therefore, I’d need reliable, fuel-efficient transportation. I’d probably have a fleet of Priuses along with some motorcycles and a plentiful supply of boats.

5. Access to an awesome island. We both know that zombies can neither plan nor swim; therefore, getting to a deserted island with a lot of food may be a good survival option. My preference would be to end up on the fictional island from Lost because it’s winter and I could use some color. I’d hate to look pasty compared to the flesh-eating zombies.

6. Facebook access. I’d like to be able to mobilize friends and resources via Facebook to help deal with the complexities and uncertainties of the zombie apocalypse. I don’t think zombies can type so I wouldn’t worry that a resourceful zombie would try and friend request me in order to learn of my secret plans.

7. A large collection of books and dvd’s. Mental acuity will be critical to survival and I need a diverse amount of material to keep my mind sharp, my spirit exuberant and my wits about me…

8. Pop tarts and Spaghetti O’s…they’re portable, tasty and won’t spoil. I also could use the sharp lid of the Spaghetti O’s can to help slice a zombie…

9. A quality chainsaw…good in tight quarters and can quickly slice off those pesky zombie heads

10. A lot of Purell. There is nothing more unsettling than the stink, stench and disease-ridden qualities of zombie gore. I imagine that I’d be cleansing my hands often.I hope my answers advance me to the lightening round of your game where the prize values are greater and the cash bonuses enormous…

As for my hobbies…writing, cycling, movies, politics, and the nurturing of an ongoing level of curiosity of everything from physics to science and much in between….

First let me applaud you that someone out there still values good grammar. I sometimes think it’s my little “OCD” kicking in when I get disappointed that the English language is butchered to the point I wish people would just start using pictures. I almost get a headache when my boss tells me I should “dumb down” my emails! I tend to read through the classifieds for some unknown reason and every now and then I come across one that catches my eye and I just have to respond to. Although your comment about grammar made me smile, it was the Zombie Apocalypse that drew me to respond. I myself am a huge movie fan and Zombies being one of my favorite plot base.

Anywho, this is where you get angry and throw a roll of the eyes. I am not expecting a relationship much less you to even respond to this. Unfortunately, I am stuck in a dead marriage which if I didn’t have two beautiful daughters I would’ve packed up when I discovered her affair. Albeit, I always crave to have some kind of intellectual or any kind connection with someone that I lost a long time ago hence maybe the reason I’m surfing personal ads at two in the morning. Well since I’m sure you stopped reading after that, I will quit with the typing. Besides, who will really survive the Zombie Apocalypse anyway?

Tags: dating, first contact, zombies