Posts Tagged ‘ first contact ’

First Contact: Apples and Honey Edition

September 29, 2011
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First Contact: Apples and Honey Edition

It’s time for a special Rosh Hashanah edition of First Contact! Gosh. Who knew the season of atonement and repentance could be so darn sexy? This collection of fine Catholic gentlemen from St. Louis wanted to let me know I didn’t need to spend the Jewish holidays alone. I shouldn’t be surprised considering the number of country boys in Kentucky who had a burning answer to the timeless question of  WWJD (with his cock), but four messages in one day makes me wonder what sexy superpowers Catholic men think Jewish ladies possess. I’m a little amazed none of them asked…

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First Contact: Poly

July 11, 2011
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I bought extra insulation so I could hunker down for the impending flame war. I get a lot of messages from poly men. Some of them are open, some of them are “discrete,” some of them want to lecture me at great length. All of them ignore the fact that I explicitly state in my dating profiles that I am NOT interested in a poly relationship. This kind of onslaught is exactly the kind of thing that gives poly relationships a bad reputation. Well, that and the fact that of the countless poly units I’ve seen over the years I…

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First Contact: WWJD (with his cock)

July 7, 2011
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First Contact: WWJD (with his cock)

I grew up in the buckle of the bible belt. Oral Robers University offered pretty much all graduating high school students in Tulsa a full tuition scholarship so long as the women agreed to wear only modest blouses and skirts that went below the knee and all students agreed to a total ban on interracial dating. That last part is a little tricky. No matter what your apparent race, everyone in Oklahoma is part Indian. Hell, even people whose grandparents moved here from India jump in on it. Sure, they’ll tell you, gramps came from Mumbai, but Mom’s granddad was…

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First Contact: Best of Zombies

September 20, 2010
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Reading my blog could give you a rather biased view of the dating pool. To change it up a bit, I thought I’d share some absolutely excellent examples of First Contact emails. These guys can write, are interesting, and clearly paid attention to my profile. I was utterly delighted to hear from every single one of them. None of them resulted in actual dates due to details like conflicting ideological views, them being married, a twenty year age gap, or a complete lack of common interests outside Zombies. However, I want to make it clear to the world that even…

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Why people live alone

September 19, 2010
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The best way to entice a lady on Craigslist - send her a photo of your bed

Dear Farouz, Thank you so much for the new photo of your bed. The pink lamps on the night table add such a feminine touch. I respect you trying a different tactic after showing off the massive mirror reflecting the bedset the first time around. I’m touched by your simple words, “Baby i got all you need right here.” You really are one of the classiest gentlemen to approach me in response to my Craigslist roommate posting. Your charms are doled out one sentence per day. I know you’re “a Single Man who needs a cool good female to keep…

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First Contact: Why I don’t chat

June 2, 2010
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As a self confessed grammar snob it’s nearly impossible for me to engage in chat on dating sites. There’s literally nothing I can say to a man whose first conversational volley is, “sup u pic is hot.” Oh, sure, I could try to diagram that sentence for him (is “u” a greeting, as in ‘What’s up with you’ or is it the subject, as in ‘I just masturbated to your photo’) but then I’d have to spend the rest of the night drinking martni’s while crying on the phone with a librarian friend. My liver can only take so much.…

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First Contact: Emergency Hookup, Stat!

May 5, 2010
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This is what I get for being clever. Why tell guys you’re a science fiction fan with a quirky sense of humor when you can demonstrate, right? Here’s a copy of my personal ad over at Plenty of Fish. Tonight, while I sip wine from a teacup in my Frankfort Avenue lair and watch my Roomba taunt the neighbor’s cat, a plan is quietly hatching. Louisville will wake up tomorrow completely unsuspecting. But you, sir, have a unique opportunity to learn why I need to freeze 80 gallons of jello, inflate a bouncy castle, and dress like a pirate. Reply…

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First Contact: Bot Baiting

February 4, 2010
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One of my biggest pet peeves is the Bot Accusation. Gentlemen, I KNOW you hear from a frightful number of bots and it’s disturbing just how badly those robots want to sex you up and suck you off, but if you’re optimistic enough to reply to an ad in the first place, why not stay positive and assume the lady is a real flesh and blood person. Nobody likes it when your first impression is that they’re a lifeless automoton designed to milk you of your money. Take a chance. Leave that part out. Hello, your ad interests me. Trust…

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First Contact: Pity Me, Please

January 29, 2010
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Gentlemen, I know reaching out to a woman is tough, but your first impression really is important. She doesn’t know anything about you. This is your chance to shine. Be clever. Be witty. Be bold. Whatever you do, don’t be pathetic. Describing yourself as unworthy is only effective on BDSM boards. Everywhere else, play up your strengths. Give someone a positive reason to want to date you instead of relying on pity. You might be pleasantly impressed by the difference. These guys didn’t get a date. Heck, they didn’t even get a reply. They just made me sad. Live and…

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First Contact: Smooth Operators

January 15, 2010
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Hello, my dear married friends! I know you’re impressed with the incredible winners I’ve met on first dates. Just to put those lads in perspective, let’s take a quick glance at some of the guys I didn’t decree worthy of coffee. I’ve been glancing through the emails people sent me on OK Cupid (pretty good, actually) and Plenty of Fish (barely a step up from Craigslist) while preparing for my upcoming Dating Profile Perk-Up. I wanted to find some good examples of things NOT to say when introducing yourself to a woman for the first time. Oh my. There are…

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