Posts Tagged ‘ post apocalyptic ’

Commuting from 1980

September 13, 2010
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I’m working in suburban Chicago, but until I find a place to live I’m sleeping a couple hours north in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The awesome Lizz the Librarian spends so much of her workday staring into glowing rectangles that she’s chosen not to bring any home with her. It’s unnerving. I vaguely understand the theory. She’s also a minimalist who makes conscious decisions about the stuff she brings into her life. This explains why her apartment belongs on the cover of Shabby Chique magazine while mine looks like a Victorian library was forced to merge into a Planetarium Gift Shop with…

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Zombie Evolution

September 30, 2009
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Once upon a time, Zombies nommed entirely on brains. This was distressing enough, but in recent years their diet has expanded out to bone, gristle, skin and internal organs, capped with brains as almost a sweet. They’re also getting smarter. No more mindless stumbling ala “Dawn of the Dead.” Instead, we now get “30 Days of Night” and “28 Days Later.” My personal favorite iteration so far is the Marvel Zombie. They live with an overwhelming craving for all four human body food groups (meat, bones, organs, and buttery spreadable fat. It makes the bones go down smoother.) If they…

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Zombie Chow: Five undead recipes that begin with a burial

October 10, 2008
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Zombie Chow: Five undead recipes that begin with a burial

You know you’re into some freaky food when the recipes require a shovel, a hole, and invoke the words “putrefy” and “exhume.” Check out five delicacies that only a zombie could love.

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There’s a reason it’s unique

June 24, 2008
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No. Please art, stop hurting me. I can be as pretentious as the next bitter former academic, but damnit, I did not need to sear my eyeballs with a meat toilet. Oh, sure, the meat iron and meat hair dryer were bad, but I could almost twist my post apocalyptic brain into placing them onboard a techno-organic future spaceship in the process of molting before growing new appliance appendages. No matter how hard I try, I can’t force my brain to separate the use of a toilet from the condition this meat would be in. I have to stop there or none of…

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Who needs a will?

June 11, 2008
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  Don’t waste another minute! Jesus is consuming the faithful in a nuclear fireball tomorrow. That means tonight is your last chance to gloat to the heathens. One website makes it possible for you to leave 62 godless heathens up to 250 mb of documets. Six days after the Rapture, they’ll receive an email with your precious last words of condemnation. Don’t worry that your harlot neighbor or pierced nephew won’t hear your final words. The servers are outsourced to confused Hindus in India.

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Might as well call in sick tomorrow

June 10, 2008
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[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RsGK1CA34Y[/youtube] Why waste your last glorious day in the paradise that is our sick and hedonistic society? You only have until Thursday, June 12 to sleep with your high school teacher, bungee jump off the Grand Canyon, and hijack a Virgin Galactic plane. After that, a nuclear fireball will carry the righteous into heaven. The rest of us will be Left Behind(TM) to hunt radioactive cockroaches for food when not fighting off the six foot mutant squirrels determined to stuff the last remnants of humanity inside hollowed tree trunks and decaying chimneys. That’s before the civil war with the laser equipped land…

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The end of the world begins in Texas

May 31, 2008
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Spend your World of Warcraft gold! Out your pseudo-anonymous posting trolls! Post a Facebook picture of your boss molesting the office coffeemaker! None of it’s gonna matter soon, because the Crazy Rasberry Ants are coming. They’re so crazy they don’t need no stinking P in their Razz. The little buggers are swarming the state, nesting in computers, and chomping their little mandibles around your oh so delicious electronics. Mmm…electromagnetic fields are oh so cozy. Texan conspiracy theorists must be creaming their pants. An unstoppable insect horde swarms over the state, quietly putting an end to the modern information-industrial complex. Dallas will fall.…

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Steampunk GPS

May 13, 2008
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In a day when a roadmap of England cost a few pence, your stealthy yet geographically challenged men could spend 5 quid on a stylin’ wrist map. Who needs to unfold a bulky map over the entire passenger seat when you can merely slip a new scroll into your wrist map whenever you make a turn? Gentlemen, your ladyfriends will be so impressed with your cleverness they may wish to park your motorcarriage somewhere you can enjoy a picturesque view of vast tracts of land.

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May 8, 2008
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In the environmentally friendly future, after we’ve traded our jetpacks and food pills for solar powered Smart Cars and wind powered television sets, we will be forced to use the roofs of our homes to feed the herd of nanny goats we hand milk for our morning bowl of cereal. Creamer and cheese will also be allowed, but don’t even think about kabobs. Plant your roof now! Dozens of people across the globe already have a head start. You don’t want to be the last one with a German Shepherd when goats start roaming the neighborhood.

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